Snowflake Submerged

  Hopefully, you heard that title with this song in your head.  If you haven't heard it, it's a real earworm and I'm sorry in advance.  So, if you have been reading my blog, you know I write here mostly about my battle with anxiety - what works, what doesn't, and what nonsense I'm thinking when I can't battle my way out of my own head. So what exactly does this title mean?  Well, exactly what it says - I like to move it.  Exercise!  When I am exercising, my outlook on life is so much better and I feel healthier just in general.  If you know me at all, you know my favorite ways to exercise are KICKBOXING and swimming.  This past summer, I had an Achilles tendon injury which meant, that in the middle of all this chaos, I was unable to kickbox or swim because I was wearing a boot for 8 weeks.  Even after I finally got it off, I had to cool it on my favorite exercise.  Swimming was ok, but even that took a little while to warm back up to and...

 This is what anxiety covid style looks like anytime I have to go out of my house.  I had to go to the post office today.  It's ok.  I know it will be busy, even first thing, but I'm using the machine so it's all good.  Even so,  I'm anxious as I leave my house because I'm anxious anytime I leave my house.  My house is safe, outside isn't safe.  Other people - even friends - are just potential germ carriers. So I get my stuff together, put my coat on, grab my mask, my hand sanitizer and away we go... I arrive at the post office only to discover that I can't use the machine.  I actually have to go in the god awful line. So now, I'm really anxious because, in addition to being out of the house, I am now doing something unanticipated. Not good. I go to get in line when some woman barges into me, telling me I need to wait outside as she is leaving.  I am unsettled but still manage to get out happy holidays.  I hope it reminds her to be ...

 Every day the night gets a little longer and a little darker.  Every day I hear about more of my fellow Americans dying from a deadly disease.  Just today, a friend lost an ex - 35 and healthy.  She had a heart attack from the strain of the symptoms on her body, lost blood flow and they had to amputate her leg.  She didn't make it anyway.  I'm to the point where I can't watch the news any more because I hear about cases going up, people continuing to be stupid and my heart starts to palpitate and I'm afraid.  Yes, I'm afraid that I will get it but even worse, that my children, my husband or my mother will. I just want to see the other side of this nightmare with all the people I love still hear but I don't know how that happens or what that looks like.  How long can life go on like this?   I worry for friends who live alone.  I'm lucky.  At least I have my family and they are so important and so precious to me. I get to spend ...

 So, I've been reading this great book called "The United States of Anxiety" by Jen Lancaster.  It has a subtitle, but honestly, if you are searching for it, the above will get you there.  In this book, the author talks about the many things that make Americans anxious, and let's face it, they are different in a lot of cases from the things that impact people in other areas of the world.  At any rate, one of the issues that she was discussing was being anxious about her weight and fat-shaming. I've been a person that has struggled with my weight for all of my adult life. Once I turned 21, my metabolism went to sleep but my eating habits didn't.  It was a recipe for disaster resulting in my weighing 220 pounds by the time I was 45. It wasn't a pretty picture, as the photo below clearly demonstrates: As I was reading the chapter, I thought of the ways that people in my life had fat-shamed me.  But honestly, it isn't just fat-shaming - it's body-shami...

 So what exactly is Baroque music? Baroque is a style of music that was popular from 1600-1750.  This type of music is recommended for people who have anxiety?  Why?  Well, usually baroque music adheres to the 60 beats per minute tenant and this is relevant because this pace can cause the brain to synchronize with the beat, creating alpha brainwaves. These types of brain waves are present when we are calm and relaxed.  Interestingly enough,  some of my favorite composers like Haydn, Bach, and Vivaldi are composers of this particular type of music.  The challenge from my anxiety journal today was to listen to some baroque music and let my mind wander while writing.  The problem is, the music opens up my mind by the page provides itty-bitty little writing space.  It made me feel like Genie in Disney's Aladdin. 0 full of promise with nowhere to go. Then, I remembered that I am, in fact, the author of a blog and I could write my thoughts here whi...

 So, so much happening here in my life.  As I'm sure it has been with all of you.  Uncertainty is a major stressor in the lives of most people and 2020 has dished out more than the usual variety.   Let's start with the obvious of the recent Presidential election.  More than 9 days later and we don't have a confirmed victor and by that, I just mean that the votes haven't been validated.  There is no doubt in my mind that Joe Biden is the new President of the United States and for that, I am eternally grateful.  It will be so nice to have a decent human being in the Oval office again.  That said, January 20th is still some time away and there remains much damage that can, and I'm sure will, be done.   I am anxiously awaiting Inauguration day.  There has been a lot of uncertainty with my job too, which has been wonderful for my anxiety.  The local school board  in their infinite wisdom ( can you smell the sarcasm??)...