Better, Happier, STRONGER

 So, I've been reading this great book called "The United States of Anxiety" by Jen Lancaster.  It has a subtitle, but honestly, if you are searching for it, the above will get you there.  In this book, the author talks about the many things that make Americans anxious, and let's face it, they are different in a lot of cases from the things that impact people in other areas of the world.  At any rate, one of the issues that she was discussing was being anxious about her weight and fat-shaming.

I've been a person that has struggled with my weight for all of my adult life. Once I turned 21, my metabolism went to sleep but my eating habits didn't.  It was a recipe for disaster resulting in my weighing 220 pounds by the time I was 45. It wasn't a pretty picture, as the photo below clearly demonstrates:

As I was reading the chapter, I thought of the ways that people in my life had fat-shamed me.  But honestly, it isn't just fat-shaming - it's body-shaming.  I know plenty of people who are too thin, their hair is too curly, their ears are too big, or whatever the case may be.  It started when I was little.  I faced a nearly daily monologue from my sisters - twins, graced with beauty and the thin side of the family's genetics. They told me I was fat and ugly, and I internalized these messages.  If I am being completely honest, their voices are STILL the ones I hear when I look in the mirror. Fat, ugly, pathetic, worthless.  These are all the labels that I have fought for a long time to shed.  Other voices in my life have added to the shame.  Most notably "you don't even try to take care of yourself"- a hurt so profound that I still cry when I think about it. But really, how I respond to all of this is MY choice. And if someone is shaming you about ANY part of your body, how you respond is yours.

At 47, I decided I'd had enough and it was time to fight back. I was lucky to find an awesome kickboxing studio.  My goal wasn't weight loss, because frankly, I didn't think I could.  I wanted to control my anger, and be healthier. When you kickbox, working out is hard - yes, but it is also a LOT of fun.  I love to kick things.  I love my support team and I love all my friends that I have made at my studio. 

 I mean, where else can you dress up like this? I started to feel not skinnier, not yet anyway, but healthier, better, stronger.  I started to fight back against the voices in my head.  I started to set goals for myself that I'm proud of.  I still set them.  So many classes a week, so many calories burned, new physical activities to try- these are all things that I have control over so why worry?  

At 50, I'm healthier than I was at 26.  Really.  I'm off my asthma meds, I'm feeling better about myself.  No, I'm not where I want to be but I realize that it is a lifelong journey, not something you do for 6 weeks, and expect your new body to be delivered by Amazon Prime.  If you want it, you have to work for it. This is now.  I feel good.  I'm anxious as fuck about so many things, but how I look isn't one of them. So do me a favor, if you are reading this, give yourself and hug and know that I think you're beautiful JUST the way you are.  My only wish for you is that you are happy and healthy.  How you respond to the stupid haters in the world, it's up to you.  I KNOW it's hard, but we've got this.