The Anxiety Monster

 I started this blog a long time ago, back when my husband was in the Navy as a Submariner.  Back then, the submerged signified my life as a occasionally single mom and all the time Navy wife.  I told him that I was starting up writing again and not just my book blog, but really writing.  He said,  "You aren't submerged anymore...."   But then I thought to myself that there are many ways that a person can be submerged, and if anything, the title fits as much now as it ever has.

Welcome to the end of August, 2020.  I don't have to tell you what living now is like, you all are right there with me.  I keep extra masks, hand sanitizers, and chlorox wipes in every car.  My head is on swivel every time a member of my family so much as sniffles.  To say that everyone in the world has their anxiety on high alert is probably an understatement and I guess that isn't that unusual.  But what if you are already an anxious person?  What does a year like 2020 hold for those people?

Let me tell you that anxiety is kind of a silent enemy.  Sometimes it makes you sad even when your life is perfect.  I worry all the time - about literally everything.  My kids, my dog, my husband, the weather, my students, my job, what I said or didn't say.... I mean the record is constantly on repeat in my head and it's really hard to turn it off. 

I realized that my usual way to deal with my issues is well.... I get mad.  I hit things.  In this case, a kickboxing bag.  I've been kickboxing for almost three years and it, and my gym family, have totally changed my life.  I love taking my anger and frustration out on the bag and feeling like a bad ass while I'm doing it.   But hey, it's 2020 right?  Enter an achilles heel injury followed immediately by skin cancer that required some cutting on my back and I've been in traction since the beginning of June.  No hitting the bag!  Now what?

Well,  I started spiraling.  I really didn't know what to do, what to think, how I was going to handle ANYTHING even the simple stuff.  I know, you're reading this and think "How pathetic.  We're all dealing with shit so you just have to suck it up, buttercup."  How do I know you're thinking this,  because ever I think this!  But the thing is, when you have anxiety, you don't have control.  It takes that away from you and makes you afraid of everything. I didn't know how to suck it up anymore.  My usual coping mechanisms either weren't working or weren't available.

So, I did what most people would do and turned to doctors and medicine.  This may be a great route for many people but not for me.  I had side effects - massive side effects- to both of the medications that my doctor tried.  Talking didn't really help.  I just cried and cried.  So I started working on myself naturally.  First,  I started working in the Dialectic Behavior Therapy workbook that a friend suggested.  SO HELPFUL.   It gives me a lot of strategies - distraction and soothing that really assist me in dealing with my anxiety when I feel like I'm spiraling.  Next,  I started journaling - really thinking about where this all began and how the hell I got here.  That's a process and hence, the return to Snowflake Submerged.  Because I may not be submerged in the Navy or motherhood, but I am submerged in life.  And some days it's a wonderful swim and some days I feel the waves closing over my head.  I'm sharing all this because I know I'm not alone.  I know many are struggling, especially now and maybe sharing my journey might help you.  

So, I'll try to mix it up and share my strange and fantastic journey with you.  Feel free to drop a comment if you're reading this.  More soon.  But for now,  it was a good day and sometimes that's enough.